Experiencing love for the first time is exhilarating, enchanting, intoxicating, warm, confusing, weird and painful all at the same time. Actually, you just assume it as love even though it wasn't. Of course, you have never felt it before.
I remember how I fell for that guy. I didn't know that I would fall for him since I knew him for like 7 years already that time. We were classmates since pre-school and we grew up together. Maybe feeling things like that didn't occur to me up until the 6th grade. I had just one crush before him but I immediately got over him and it was only like admiration.
It started when we became seatmates at the start of the school year when we are in 6th grade. The seating arrangement was always boy, girl, boy, girl. It was to lessen the noise because kids could be chatty when they sat next to their friends. I promise I never thought that I could like this guy in my whole life. He was my playmate, and he teases me a lot but that's just what little boys do. When I was assigned to sit next to him, I was like "Ugh, why him? I am so unlucky" something like that.
I discovered that we are more alike than I thought. We both like math and his humor was similar to mine. I started liking him slowly because we would always talk, we help each other in the assignments and seat works and sometimes I let him copy my assignments. Yes, I let him. My classmates and of course him knew I never let others copy my assignment, but I let him. I was that stupid. I was too obvious and I never thought that he doubted that I have feelings for him. Stupid right?
I was so obvious and probably my classmates already knew that I like him but I don’t know that they knew because I didn’t know that I was too obvious. I would even purposely drag my chair slowly, little by little (I did it so that no one would notice or that’s what I thought), just to sit closer to him. Of course, it would be so obvious because our classroom was so big and the seats are almost 500 millimeters apart. That is a big gap and only me and him are siting like we have the same chair. Ugh, I am embarrassed at myself. My teachers would not separate our seats because they can see that what we are talking about the lesson and I think they also knew that I like him and they let me be.
Sometimes, he just becomes stupid and joke with me and I will get mad at him. When that happens, I pull my chair in the opposite side closer to my other seatmate, who was, by the way, my first and only crush before him. When my chair was so far from him, I will then ignore him. I was stupid enough to think that it will make him jealous. But of course, I can’t ignore him that long.
I remembered my favorite interaction we had. It was brief and it was an accident but that was the first time I felt warm blood raise to my face. When I was in elementary, I have this enormous box bag that is like a luggage bag that you can pull. I was hurrying to my bag to get something but I tripped over and my hand fell on his. I was flustered for a while and I jolted my hands out of panic. I immediately rushed out of the classroom and go straight to the washroom. That was not the only time I was able to touch his hands. I thought that he was starting to like me too that time. Our hands brushed and it stayed that way for a while. I don’t exactly remember when was that because my memory was focused on our hands, how it felt, how my heart was beating so fast, I can’t contain it. But now I think I was just overthinking. Maybe he didn’t even know that my hand was there.
I was silly enough to waste money just to give him some things. I remembered buying a necklace. It costs only ten pesos but that was half of my daily allowance so it cost me a fortune. That time, 10 pesos was a huge amount. The pendant of a necklace was a name plate together with a big letter. I bought a letter S. That is my initial. I even hid it from my mom so that she would not know that I spent my allowance to buy some necklace when I already have tons. What was funny was the way I gave it to him. I slipped it in his bag when no one was in the classroom. When he saw it, he asked me immediately if it is mine. I said no, of course. He said he thought it was mine because it has my initial. I was happy when days later I saw him wear it. My boy classmates teased him and asked him why the letter S. What he said S is for ‘Sugo’. I smirked at his answer because I don’t even know where he got that word.
After a while, my classmates made us into a love team in the classroom. I would always get paired with him. I don’t know if he liked being paired with me, all I know was I enjoyed it. In school, there are events like the linggo ng wika, united nations day, etc. and there is always a program for it where every class needs to prepare a performance. He was my partner, and we prepared a dance for the performance. It is weird and we do not look good together because we are almost of the same height back then. When we practice, our adviser would always let us practice by pairs. So, each pair would dance alone in the middle of the classroom while others watched. I was happy and at the same time I was embarrassed because my classmates kept teasing.
Slam books are a thing when I was in elementary I have one, I let everyone sign it in order to let him sign it. He didn’t write who his crush was. Well, even I didn’t write it in every slam book that I answered. I was still convinced that no one knows that he is my crush but me. What I did was I copied the questions in my slam book to my phone, I answered it there. Honestly. I put none in my crush and I put his name in the person I love. Yes, I was that vacuous. Not long, my mother checked my phone and saw the entry. She called me and she confronted me. She said I was too young to love someone. She got mad. I was scared of her so I told her that I was not the one who wrote it. I told her that it was my classmate who like to tease me. She believed it and because of that, she said that I should not be friends with my classmate who wrote that. I felt bad but I still hang out with her anyway.
Intramurals came and it usually last a week. Games are played where teams fight. I can say that he is really good at playing basketball. I even volunteered to be a water girl just to support him. I carried heavy bottles of water and I help give everyone’s towel just so that I can interact with him. I would even cheer for him even our teams are competing. Yes, we are not on the same team. Intramurals usually takes place in the week where the foundation day of our school is included. Our school’s foundation day was on December 8 which is coincidentally his birthday. He let people write on his team shirt for dedications and I wrote something but I don’t remember what that was but I did remember putting in a heart. I was so happy that time.
When Christmas party came, I gave him a gift. I can’t remember what gift. I considered it as a Christmas gift and birthday gift as well. I still remember it because I celebrated it for 5 years even though he doesn’t know and I remember when we were younger, when it is his birthday, his mother would invite the whole class to their house and let us eat in their eatery. I also gave him a stress ball with a smiley face. Well, I gave each of my classmates a gift. Stress ball for boys and hanky for girls. He also gave me a gift, I forgot what that was but I think it was a key chain. I said I was going to treasure that forever but it turns out I lost it somewhere.
During Christmas party, we played chess. He was teaching me and making jokes so I was laughing at his jokes. Then I saw my mom and she eyed me. I was scared suddenly and stopped interacting with him. When we got home, my mother confronted me once again. She said that she saw the way I looked at him. It was different, so she knows that I like him. She knows that what she saw in the phone was true. I don’t even know if I really love him. I don’t know what love was and my mother eying me is just making me feel uncomfortable so what I did was I stopped interacting with him when my mother is around but that doesn’t stop me from liking him.
There was one unforgettable moment. That time, our class is playing a game. It was science time. I don’t remember what we were playing but there are two teams. Boys and girls. Amazing how there are 14 students in our class and there are 7 boys and 7 girls. So, in the end, the girls lost and we need to choose between truth or dare. Everyone gets to be questioned. I thought they all forgot me so I kept silent about it. It turns out, they were saving me for last. My teacher knows that we are being shipped by the class so she went along with it. I was put in the spotlight, which I don’t like. So, in order to save myself from announcing who my crush is in the classroom, I chose dare. My teacher gets to choose what will I do. She said I need to kiss him on the cheeks. I panicked I took a step back and suddenly my classmates were pushing me and him towards the center. I was shy so I looked away. They said that we will not move until I kissed him. I protested but my friends are already pushing me towards him. I kissed him quickly and immediately turned away and I got back to my seat. My heart was raising.
Since I am the president of the class, I always get to write who is noisy and standing, and every time their name will appear on the list, they will pay 5 pesos. I was a bad girl and put names of the ones I hate more than 1 time and of course even if he is my crush, I will not give him mercy. I wrote his name because he thinks that I am not going to write his name. He even begged me to put out his name but I didn’t.
It was the periodical examination. There was an exam. A drawing exam. We have to make a comic about something. I forgot what’s it about but I drew people and I named the main character the same name as my uncle, but different spelling. My uncle’s name has similar pronunciation with his name only with different spelling and with additional L at the end. I used his name and added an L at the end. When we are having the exam, we are positioned back to back. Pairs. He was at my back. He finished before me and he tried to peep in my test paper. I hid it from him but he reached out and got it from me. I grabbed it immediately. He saw his name. He teased me. He asked me why his name was used. I flashed. I said it wasn’t his name but the name of my uncle. It just so happens they got the same name but there was an L. I was ashamed and turned my back on him.
When I was in the 6th grade, internet was not yet a thing. Computers can only be afforded by rich kids so we go to internet shops to access the internet. Without internet, what people do is send a text message. So, you have to know all of the persons’ number so that in case of emergency, you can contact them. There was this thing called the GM or the group message you send to a group of people. Before, it was like the twitter but the tweets are in text message form. If you send messages to people, you add GM at the end to inform the receivers that it was a group message. I used to send those to people and at times I would send it only to him. But it was labelled as group message. It was funny though, nobody ever answers the group message. You just put it there and everyone who receive it can read it and not comment anything.
We started practicing for the graduation and what we did for our graduation son is that we performed a hand mime performance where in we wear all black and white gloves and form shapes and letters using our hands which is illuminated by the black light. He and I were also assigned to participate in the doxology which was an interpretative dance. He was my partner of course. It was sweet and while practicing, we laughed a lot and we even have jokes that only we can understand.
Since we studied in a catholic school, we are required to have a recollection. What we do in the recollection, we prepare a performance and write letters to people. So, in the performance part I remember being a bitch to my best friends. I don’t know why I made a scene. There were two performances, the dance team and the poem team. I think I didn’t like the song they chose for the dance team and my best friends chose the song. So, I go to the poem team. We didn’t talk until the day of the recollection arrived. He was in the dance team so I didn’t talk to him either. I was so stupid because I don’t even know the reason why I got mad. I made a letter for all of them. I even bought a stationery paper that smells good and foam letters and letter stickers for their names. One of my best friend asked me why he was special because I used foam letters for his name and only stickers for her. It was intentional and I didn’t think that they would know since the letter should only be for them. I remember sealing each one of them with lots of tape because our adviser said that he was going to read all of them. I just said to my best friend that I made her letter first so that I used the sticker first. When I ran out of stickers, I used the foam ones. She didn’t believe me but she was smiling.
My letter for him was not a love letter. It was a letter just like everyone else’s. On graduation, I planned to give him a love letter. Saying that I love him. I also wrote it on a specialty paper and I pour my heart out in that letter. On the day of the graduation, I kept the letter in my pocket the whole time. I planned to give it to him before we march but before that was our doxology and what I was wearing back then was my jeans and white shirt so I folded it into two so that It can fit my pocket. I was nervous that I slightly messed up in the doxology but it was fine. After that I changed into my uniform and got ready for the march. I insisted that my mom should not follow me to change because the letter was with me and I don’t want her to see it. When it was the time of the march, thoughts suddenly came to my mind. I think I can’t do this. I was not ready to be embarrassed so what I did was I threw the letter in the nearest trash can. I didn’t tear it, I didn’t even crumple it and that was a stupid mistake. We marched and I felt a little relieved. I said I was going back for the letter after the graduation but I didn’t because there were a lot of goodbyes and crying and I forgot about it.
During the summer break, we go back to the school to get our report cards and graduation pictures. I was looking for him, but he was not there. I saw my best friends and my other classmate. We did not take long; my mother and I go home immediately. When I got home, I received a text message. It was from my best friend. She said that she saw my letter from the trash can. I panicked I told her not to read it and just dispose it but she did not. They already read it. Yes. They. My two best friends and my other classmate. I was so embarrassed and they told me they are on their way to his house to give him the letter. I can’t do anything so I just said, sure you can give it to him. I was going to give it but I didn’t because I’m scared of the humiliation. At least now I am not going to see him anymore. And so, they gave it to him and they said he smiled and liked my letter. I was so relieved because of that.
I was invited to the party of one of my classmates, all was invited, including him. I said I was going but I am going to be late because it was a Sunday. I have no plan to go at all actually, it was because I was scared of seeing him. I was scared of talking to him. I said I love you in that letter for goodness sake. I never plan on seeing him again. My other classmates kept texting me where am I. They were waiting for me. I said I am not going anymore because my mother did not allow me anymore. They said he was waiting for me, he was outside waiting for me. I was stupid because I still didn’t go and it was because I didn’t tell my mother that there was a party because I didn’t plan to go in the first place. So, that was the last chance I have of seeing him but I let it go.
Regrets. I regret not going to the party during my high school. Our school service always passed his house. I always look at his house whenever we pass. I still loved him back then. One time, he was sitting in front of his house and our eyes met. We stared at each other. Since then, every time my school service passes his house, I would see him and we stare at each other. Some days, he was not there, I would get disappointed. I made him another letter. I was supposed to give it to him on valentine’s day. My new best friend knew about him but not the whole story and she was with me in the school service because we are living in the same subdivision. She said I should give it to him but I never got the chance. I just kept it and I threw it again.
Not long, he sent me a friend request. He talked to me and asked how I and whatnot. He said he was in love. Not with me. With another girl. It hurts to know that but I played it cool. I chatted him and he even asked for my number, which I gave him right away. We talked about lots of things. What’s happening in his life, what’s happening in mine. It was going great but then, he brings up the letter. I panicked and texted him in a somehow angry tone that I don’t want to talk about it. When I press send, I received a message. He said he cried while reading my letter and he still do. I suddenly felt guilty because I sent him an angry message and then he said okay and I’m sorry. And that’s when it hit me. He was talking about the letter I gave to him during the recollection, not the love letter my friends gave him. I thought of it. They were just playing me. They never intend to give it to him and they never gave it to him. He wasn’t waiting for me in the party. They just said that in order for me to go. I felt so stupid that I hated myself for believing in them.
That was the last time he texted me.
He has a girlfriend. I always stalk him on Facebook. It hurts when I see them post pictures and celebrate their monthsary up until anniversary. I witnessed his break ups and then he finds another girl. I compare his girlfriends but I know that doesn’t change the fact that I still love him. I tried texting him and starting a conversation but it was not like before when we can keep the conversation going. The way he text was cold and heartless and that hurts me more than anything. I stopped bothering him and just stalk him silently. Up until fourth year high school, I decided to unfriend him on Facebook. I did. It made a great difference.
That was the end of the story. I loved him for 6 long years. I never get to like anyone during high school because all I think about is him. Or I don’t know, maybe it wasn’t love. I don’t know what love really feels like. I was always scared to even start; how can I feel it? I have done so many stupid things because of the feeling. I am such a creepy person when I like someone. I only got to move on when I enter college and I was given a chance to like someone again. That story is for next time. I was surprised that I can still remember these things. Maybe it was my first time feeling these things so I can never forget about it. I can say that I never regret anything that has happened because I got to experience more things that helped me mature. What is peculiar and weird is that after these experiences I am still afraid. Maybe because it is in my mind that I am not lovable enough. I am not worth of anyone’s time and love.
My message for him is simple. Thank you for being part of my life and I hope you are happy. I can’t say that I am happy but at least one of us is. I hope in the future when we meet again, we won’t be awkward like other people are when something not good happened between them. That is all, have a good life.
You, reading this must be very disappointed, but know this: Not all story end on a happy note. Sometimes we learn more from the bad things that happen to us.
x
