Blog Entry #8

Experiencing love for the first time is exhilarating, enchanting, intoxicating, warm, confusing, weird and painful all at the same time. Actually, you just assume it as love even though it wasn't. Of course, you have never felt it before.

I remember how I fell for that guy. I didn't know that I would fall for him since I knew him for like 7 years already that time. We were classmates since pre-school and we grew up together. Maybe feeling things like that didn't occur to me up until the 6th grade. I had just one crush before him but I immediately got over him and it was only like admiration.

It started when we became seatmates at the start of the school year when we are in 6th grade. The seating arrangement was always boy, girl, boy, girl. It was to lessen the noise because kids could be chatty when they sat next to their friends. I promise I never thought that I could like this guy in my whole life. He was my playmate, and he teases me a lot but that's just what little boys do. When I was assigned to sit next to him, I was like "Ugh, why him? I am so unlucky" something like that.

I discovered that we are more alike than I thought. We both like math and his humor was similar to mine. I started liking him slowly because we would always talk, we help each other in the assignments and seat works and sometimes I let him copy my assignments. Yes, I let him. My classmates and of course him knew I never let others copy my assignment, but I let him. I was that stupid. I was too obvious and I never thought that he doubted that I have feelings for him. Stupid right?

I was so obvious and probably my classmates already knew that I like him but I don’t know that they knew because I didn’t know that I was too obvious. I would even purposely drag my chair slowly, little by little (I did it so that no one would notice or that’s what I thought), just to sit closer to him. Of course, it would be so obvious because our classroom was so big and the seats are almost 500 millimeters apart. That is a big gap and only me and him are siting like we have the same chair. Ugh, I am embarrassed at myself. My teachers would not separate our seats because they can see that what we are talking about the lesson and I think they also knew that I like him and they let me be.

Sometimes, he just becomes stupid and joke with me and I will get mad at him. When that happens, I pull my chair in the opposite side closer to my other seatmate, who was, by the way, my first and only crush before him. When my chair was so far from him, I will then ignore him. I was stupid enough to think that it will make him jealous. But of course, I can’t ignore him that long.

I remembered my favorite interaction we had. It was brief and it was an accident but that was the first time I felt warm blood raise to my face. When I was in elementary, I have this enormous box bag that is like a luggage bag that you can pull. I was hurrying to my bag to get something but I tripped over and my hand fell on his. I was flustered for a while and I jolted my hands out of panic. I immediately rushed out of the classroom and go straight to the washroom. That was not the only time I was able to touch his hands. I thought that he was starting to like me too that time. Our hands brushed and it stayed that way for a while. I don’t exactly remember when was that because my memory was focused on our hands, how it felt, how my heart was beating so fast, I can’t contain it. But now I think I was just overthinking. Maybe he didn’t even know that my hand was there.

I was silly enough to waste money just to give him some things. I remembered buying a necklace. It costs only ten pesos but that was half of my daily allowance so it cost me a fortune. That time, 10 pesos was a huge amount. The pendant of a necklace was a name plate together with a big letter. I bought a letter S. That is my initial. I even hid it from my mom so that she would not know that I spent my allowance to buy some necklace when I already have tons. What was funny was the way I gave it to him. I slipped it in his bag when no one was in the classroom. When he saw it, he asked me immediately if it is mine. I said no, of course. He said he thought it was mine because it has my initial. I was happy when days later I saw him wear it. My boy classmates teased him and asked him why the letter S. What he said S is for ‘Sugo’. I smirked at his answer because I don’t even know where he got that word.

After a while, my classmates made us into a love team in the classroom. I would always get paired with him. I don’t know if he liked being paired with me, all I know was I enjoyed it. In school, there are events like the linggo ng wika, united nations day, etc. and there is always a program for it where every class needs to prepare a performance. He was my partner, and we prepared a dance for the performance. It is weird and we do not look good together because we are almost of the same height back then. When we practice, our adviser would always let us practice by pairs. So, each pair would dance alone in the middle of the classroom while others watched. I was happy and at the same time I was embarrassed because my classmates kept teasing.

Slam books are a thing when I was in elementary I have one, I let everyone sign it in order to let him sign it. He didn’t write who his crush was. Well, even I didn’t write it in every slam book that I answered. I was still convinced that no one knows that he is my crush but me. What I did was I copied the questions in my slam book to my phone, I answered it there. Honestly. I put none in my crush and I put his name in the person I love. Yes, I was that vacuous. Not long, my mother checked my phone and saw the entry. She called me and she confronted me. She said I was too young to love someone. She got mad. I was scared of her so I told her that I was not the one who wrote it. I told her that it was my classmate who like to tease me. She believed it and because of that, she said that I should not be friends with my classmate who wrote that. I felt bad but I still hang out with her anyway.

Intramurals came and it usually last a week. Games are played where teams fight. I can say that he is really good at playing basketball. I even volunteered to be a water girl just to support him. I carried heavy bottles of water and I help give everyone’s towel just so that I can interact with him. I would even cheer for him even our teams are competing. Yes, we are not on the same team. Intramurals usually takes place in the week where the foundation day of our school is included. Our school’s foundation day was on December 8 which is coincidentally his birthday. He let people write on his team shirt for dedications and I wrote something but I don’t remember what that was but I did remember putting in a heart. I was so happy that time.

When Christmas party came, I gave him a gift. I can’t remember what gift. I considered it as a Christmas gift and birthday gift as well. I still remember it because I celebrated it for 5 years even though he doesn’t know and I remember when we were younger, when it is his birthday, his mother would invite the whole class to their house and let us eat in their eatery. I also gave him a stress ball with a smiley face. Well, I gave each of my classmates a gift. Stress ball for boys and hanky for girls. He also gave me a gift, I forgot what that was but I think it was a key chain. I said I was going to treasure that forever but it turns out I lost it somewhere.

During Christmas party, we played chess. He was teaching me and making jokes so I was laughing at his jokes. Then I saw my mom and she eyed me. I was scared suddenly and stopped interacting with him. When we got home, my mother confronted me once again. She said that she saw the way I looked at him. It was different, so she knows that I like him. She knows that what she saw in the phone was true. I don’t even know if I really love him. I don’t know what love was and my mother eying me is just making me feel uncomfortable so what I did was I stopped interacting with him when my mother is around but that doesn’t stop me from liking him.

There was one unforgettable moment. That time, our class is playing a game. It was science time. I don’t remember what we were playing but there are two teams. Boys and girls. Amazing how there are 14 students in our class and there are 7 boys and 7 girls. So, in the end, the girls lost and we need to choose between truth or dare. Everyone gets to be questioned. I thought they all forgot me so I kept silent about it. It turns out, they were saving me for last. My teacher knows that we are being shipped by the class so she went along with it. I was put in the spotlight, which I don’t like. So, in order to save myself from announcing who my crush is in the classroom, I chose dare. My teacher gets to choose what will I do. She said I need to kiss him on the cheeks. I panicked I took a step back and suddenly my classmates were pushing me and him towards the center. I was shy so I looked away. They said that we will not move until I kissed him. I protested but my friends are already pushing me towards him. I kissed him quickly and immediately turned away and I got back to my seat. My heart was raising.

Since I am the president of the class, I always get to write who is noisy and standing, and every time their name will appear on the list, they will pay 5 pesos. I was a bad girl and put names of the ones I hate more than 1 time and of course even if he is my crush, I will not give him mercy. I wrote his name because he thinks that I am not going to write his name. He even begged me to put out his name but I didn’t.

It was the periodical examination. There was an exam. A drawing exam. We have to make a comic about something. I forgot what’s it about but I drew people and I named the main character the same name as my uncle, but different spelling. My uncle’s name has similar pronunciation with his name only with different spelling and with additional L at the end. I used his name and added an L at the end. When we are having the exam, we are positioned back to back. Pairs. He was at my back. He finished before me and he tried to peep in my test paper. I hid it from him but he reached out and got it from me. I grabbed it immediately. He saw his name. He teased me. He asked me why his name was used. I flashed. I said it wasn’t his name but the name of my uncle. It just so happens they got the same name but there was an L. I was ashamed and turned my back on him.

When I was in the 6th grade, internet was not yet a thing. Computers can only be afforded by rich kids so we go to internet shops to access the internet. Without internet, what people do is send a text message. So, you have to know all of the persons’ number so that in case of emergency, you can contact them. There was this thing called the GM or the group message you send to a group of people. Before, it was like the twitter but the tweets are in text message form. If you send messages to people, you add GM at the end to inform the receivers that it was a group message. I used to send those to people and at times I would send it only to him. But it was labelled as group message. It was funny though, nobody ever answers the group message. You just put it there and everyone who receive it can read it and not comment anything.

We started practicing for the graduation and what we did for our graduation son is that we performed a hand mime performance where in we wear all black and white gloves and form shapes and letters using our hands which is illuminated by the black light. He and I were also assigned to participate in the doxology which was an interpretative dance. He was my partner of course. It was sweet and while practicing, we laughed a lot and we even have jokes that only we can understand.

Since we studied in a catholic school, we are required to have a recollection. What we do in the recollection, we prepare a performance and write letters to people. So, in the performance part I remember being a bitch to my best friends. I don’t know why I made a scene. There were two performances, the dance team and the poem team. I think I didn’t like the song they chose for the dance team and my best friends chose the song. So, I go to the poem team. We didn’t talk until the day of the recollection arrived. He was in the dance team so I didn’t talk to him either. I was so stupid because I don’t even know the reason why I got mad. I made a letter for all of them. I even bought a stationery paper that smells good and foam letters and letter stickers for their names. One of my best friend asked me why he was special because I used foam letters for his name and only stickers for her. It was intentional and I didn’t think that they would know since the letter should only be for them. I remember sealing each one of them with lots of tape because our adviser said that he was going to read all of them. I just said to my best friend that I made her letter first so that I used the sticker first. When I ran out of stickers, I used the foam ones. She didn’t believe me but she was smiling.

My letter for him was not a love letter. It was a letter just like everyone else’s. On graduation, I planned to give him a love letter. Saying that I love him. I also wrote it on a specialty paper and I pour my heart out in that letter. On the day of the graduation, I kept the letter in my pocket the whole time. I planned to give it to him before we march but before that was our doxology and what I was wearing back then was my jeans and white shirt so I folded it into two so that It can fit my pocket. I was nervous that I slightly messed up in the doxology but it was fine. After that I changed into my uniform and got ready for the march. I insisted that my mom should not follow me to change because the letter was with me and I don’t want her to see it. When it was the time of the march, thoughts suddenly came to my mind. I think I can’t do this. I was not ready to be embarrassed so what I did was I threw the letter in the nearest trash can. I didn’t tear it, I didn’t even crumple it and that was a stupid mistake. We marched and I felt a little relieved. I said I was going back for the letter after the graduation but I didn’t because there were a lot of goodbyes and crying and I forgot about it.

During the summer break, we go back to the school to get our report cards and graduation pictures. I was looking for him, but he was not there. I saw my best friends and my other classmate. We did not take long; my mother and I go home immediately. When I got home, I received a text message. It was from my best friend. She said that she saw my letter from the trash can. I panicked I told her not to read it and just dispose it but she did not. They already read it. Yes. They. My two best friends and my other classmate. I was so embarrassed and they told me they are on their way to his house to give him the letter. I can’t do anything so I just said, sure you can give it to him. I was going to give it but I didn’t because I’m scared of the humiliation. At least now I am not going to see him anymore. And so, they gave it to him and they said he smiled and liked my letter. I was so relieved because of that.

I was invited to the party of one of my classmates, all was invited, including him. I said I was going but I am going to be late because it was a Sunday. I have no plan to go at all actually, it was because I was scared of seeing him. I was scared of talking to him. I said I love you in that letter for goodness sake. I never plan on seeing him again. My other classmates kept texting me where am I. They were waiting for me. I said I am not going anymore because my mother did not allow me anymore. They said he was waiting for me, he was outside waiting for me. I was stupid because I still didn’t go and it was because I didn’t tell my mother that there was a party because I didn’t plan to go in the first place. So, that was the last chance I have of seeing him but I let it go.

Regrets. I regret not going to the party during my high school. Our school service always passed his house. I always look at his house whenever we pass. I still loved him back then. One time, he was sitting in front of his house and our eyes met. We stared at each other. Since then, every time my school service passes his house, I would see him and we stare at each other. Some days, he was not there, I would get disappointed. I made him another letter. I was supposed to give it to him on valentine’s day. My new best friend knew about him but not the whole story and she was with me in the school service because we are living in the same subdivision. She said I should give it to him but I never got the chance. I just kept it and I threw it again.

Not long, he sent me a friend request. He talked to me and asked how I and whatnot. He said he was in love. Not with me. With another girl. It hurts to know that but I played it cool. I chatted him and he even asked for my number, which I gave him right away. We talked about lots of things. What’s happening in his life, what’s happening in mine. It was going great but then, he brings up the letter. I panicked and texted him in a somehow angry tone that I don’t want to talk about it. When I press send, I received a message. He said he cried while reading my letter and he still do. I suddenly felt guilty because I sent him an angry message and then he said okay and I’m sorry. And that’s when it hit me. He was talking about the letter I gave to him during the recollection, not the love letter my friends gave him. I thought of it. They were just playing me. They never intend to give it to him and they never gave it to him. He wasn’t waiting for me in the party. They just said that in order for me to go. I felt so stupid that I hated myself for believing in them.

That was the last time he texted me.

He has a girlfriend. I always stalk him on Facebook. It hurts when I see them post pictures and celebrate their monthsary up until anniversary. I witnessed his break ups and then he finds another girl. I compare his girlfriends but I know that doesn’t change the fact that I still love him. I tried texting him and starting a conversation but it was not like before when we can keep the conversation going. The way he text was cold and heartless and that hurts me more than anything. I stopped bothering him and just stalk him silently. Up until fourth year high school, I decided to unfriend him on Facebook. I did. It made a great difference.

That was the end of the story. I loved him for 6 long years. I never get to like anyone during high school because all I think about is him. Or I don’t know, maybe it wasn’t love. I don’t know what love really feels like. I was always scared to even start; how can I feel it? I have done so many stupid things because of the feeling. I am such a creepy person when I like someone. I only got to move on when I enter college and I was given a chance to like someone again. That story is for next time. I was surprised that I can still remember these things. Maybe it was my first time feeling these things so I can never forget about it. I can say that I never regret anything that has happened because I got to experience more things that helped me mature. What is peculiar and weird is that after these experiences I am still afraid. Maybe because it is in my mind that I am not lovable enough. I am not worth of anyone’s time and love.

My message for him is simple. Thank you for being part of my life and I hope you are happy. I can’t say that I am happy but at least one of us is. I hope in the future when we meet again, we won’t be awkward like other people are when something not good happened between them. That is all, have a good life.

You, reading this must be very disappointed, but know this: Not all story end on a happy note. Sometimes we learn more from the bad things that happen to us.

x

Blog Entry #7

UST Drawing Test for Wait-listed Applicants

I posted this last July 7, 2014, but it was deleted. Sorry for that.

When I received the results of USTET, I immediately followed the instructions and steps if you are wait listed. I sent an email and I indicated that I wanted to participate in the drawing test. I included my full name and my applicant number. The college replied with the test permit you needed to print out.

I attended the drawing test last February 23, 2014. I expected them to let us draw something that will be based from our imagination, something like our dream house or something similar but what did they let us draw?... It was the RIZAL MONUMENT.

I panicked when they told us that we are to draw that monument. That's why I thought I will not pass. I just did my best. What I did is that I drew an elevation of the monument. I made the monument symmetrical in both sides. I drew lines and measured them in order to achieve symmetry.

I didn't really remember how the Rizal Monument looked like that time. I drew a trapezoid shape as the monument's base and the pole-like structure was not flat. I put angles. I even drew the two guards that guides the monument and I drew two random persons on Rizal's sides.

I drew the front view. The one beside me was drawing an orthographic projection with background, flags, etc. It was all complete. That's why I don't really felt confident.

By the way, This is the Rizal Monument:

It was super far from what I drew, What a shame I didn't took a picture of it. Anyway, my drawing was funny, it was like a child drew it. Well in my memory. I did put shading though. I read another blog post about his/her experience, s/he said that the drawing should have shadings and it needs to be on the ground. I followed him.

While I was walking towards the front to pass my drawing, I looked at the works of the other examinees, they all drew perspectives with angles and all and there's me. I drew an elevation. I said oh well, Lord will handle the rest, at least I did my best.

I passed it and when February 27, 2014 comes, I returned to Beato Angelico (Archi at CFAD Building) and I saw my name in the list of passers. Yay! I passed!

It was fun until...

The College of Architecture's reservation date already passed. It's only February 27 to March 1, 2014. I thought it is on the same date as the other colleges. I came back on March 10, I have overlooked the date of reservation. I cried when they told me that I can't reserve anymore because my slot was already taken. It hurts to know that all this time you thought you already passed and ready to enrol but you did not reserve your slot. What I did was I go to the queue of reservation for civil engineering. I was sad while I am waiting in line and suddenly, they told the people that there are no more slots in civil engineering.

I can't do anything anymore but cry. The admin said reconsiderations are accepted so we did. We made a letter of reconsideration and had it notarized. After going back to UST, My mom said that the dean allowed me to reserve my slot. My mom begged the office. I think she even cried in front of them just to give me the slot. It was embarrassing, but at least I get to keep my slot. I am thankful to the Lord, my mom and of course to the dean who allowed me to reserve my slot.

I was considered since I got a high overall average in USTET. I was not alone actually, someone who did not get to reserve was also allowed. So I am not alone

That is all, my weird adventure in UST.

x



Blog Entry #6

Now, I will talk about being a grade conscious person.

I was once a grade conscious student. The first reason is that I am trained to have high grades. I am always expected to have high grades. 

My mother said, when I was young, I am such a slow learner. I am always behind and I am always picking up the lessons last. I believed her. Her solution was to teach me every single day. I was not allowed to play after school, I can only play during weekends. Her way of teaching was scary for a child. She would yell at me when I don't get the lesson. She would sometimes hit me. No breaks until you get it. There is something that I will never forget. She always use her index finger and pierce it in my temple. She would always do that as if her index finger has all the information I need to know and when she placed it on my temple, I would instantly get it. I remember how I cried when she does that. And when I cry, she would only get more mad. One time, because my mother has long nails, my head bled. She was scolded by my godmother, and she never did it again. But I was still scared. That is why I am closer to my father when I was young. He would understand if I don't get high grades.

I realized when I was older that I am not a slow learner. How am I a slow learner when I got very high grades in pre - school. My mom? No. She just forced me. It was me and my teachers. I realized that my mom did that just to force me to study because I should be great. Because of my dad. I now get it. In order to keep my Dad, she made sure that we, her kids, should be something that my father should be proud of. Because it is we who could let my mother keep our father in our home.

I remember graduating pre-school as top 1. I remember giving my graduation speech. When I was in grade 1, my mother focused more on my brother and less on me. I was second in class when I finished grade 1. My mother was furious. She thinks that I deserve to be the top 1. She argued with the administration, I was young so I didn't really care. As a result, my top 1 classmate, transferred to another school.

In grade 3, I was tutored and my mother fully focused on my brother. She did to him what she did to me. I was sad for my brother, but thought that my brother and I often fight so I am also happy. I was a child okay? Don't judge.

Up until grade 5, I was the top 1. I was always the president of the class, teachers are really expecting too much from me. I liked the feeling before but now, to think of it, I hate it. I was not taught that grades are only numbers. That It will not matter when I go to high school.

I graduated in second place when I was in elementary. I felt disappointed of myself but I was proud because I get to enter a science high school. I didn't choose to be there. My parents wanted me to enter there. It was not easy. The pressure of keeping my grades high was too much because if my average goes lower than 85, I would get kicked out. I did get a line of 7, I cried. I cried because of low grades. Especially in first year since I was used to getting higher grades.

As I get to the higher years of high school, I didn't really care if I get low grades. What's important is that I pass and graduate. That was during high school. When I go to college. I was grade conscious again because of the first year cut off. I got high grades until the second semester of fourth year.

In college, being hard working i not enough. sometimes, your grade depends on your professor., whether s/he likes you or not, or maybe if s/he gives high grades or not. But my family doesn't understand that. They compare me to my best friend. I am an architecture student. She is a medical technology student. How can you compare our grades? I hated my mother for it.

My family fall in to pieces when I was in fourth year college. My education was at stake because of financial problems. My Mom lose all of our money because of gambling, that is why my parents no longer talk. I am now forced to apply for a scholarship. It was hard getting all the requirements, all the going back and forth to the office of student affairs, all the interviews, but I was accepted immediately because I have high grades and they saw that I really need it. Now, I have to maintain my grades.

I thought it was easy to maintain it, I just need to be lucky in my professors.

In one semester I was lucky, I got high grades than expected. But during the second semester, I was not lucky. One professor hates me or maybe she just make up and guess her student's grades. She gave me a 3.0. I am not allowed to have a 3.0. I don't know. I feel like 3.0 is really my grade because I know I didn't give my all and I know I can do better but I don't deserve to get that low of a grade.

I asked my professor if I could make up for my grade and she said no as the semester is already over. I asked for the breakdown of my grades because I needed to explain how I got that kind of grade and she gave it to me only to find that I was late in some submittal that none of my block mates even know about. I was not late I know. I always presented early and do my tasks immediately. So, I told her that and still she believes in what she believes. She said I should not say that I was not late because I AM late. For goodness sake I have my blockmates as my witnesses. And so I said, I will direct my concern to the dean's office if we will not come to an understanding because I don't really deserve the grade. Now(I think she thought it through since it will not be the first time she will be called at the dean's office because of issues similar to mine), she gave me a chance to improve my paper so that she can change my grades. I did improve my paper and submitted it to her, she talked to my mom about the grade and I still don't have news about it up to now.

Now I am pressured again to work hard for my grades because I need to keep my scholarship. I hate the thought that because of my parents I need to be pressured to keep my grades high. When now I know that grades doesn't matter in the future, that you don't need to be grade conscious all the time, and that you need to relax and have fun studying in order to learn something.

Real world doesn't care about your grades, it cares about what you have learned.

It's not that I want being grade conscious, It's just that I need to be one.

x

Blog Entry #5

I don't know but... I am heartbroken.

After what you told two friends and me. You narrated your love life with your ex girlfriend. The ex who is my acquaintance. The ex who I see every time I go to the org room. I know too well that you don't love her anymore, and you don't want to do anything with her. But I know she still loves you. I don't know what I am really thinking. Because I was hurt when you told the story. It is like it is about me, too, but no. God, I think too much.

So you started off by telling the story of happened between you, her and a mutual friend of yours that same night. You told us that that mutual friend gave you something. Food maybe, that you really like and said it came from someone but that someone don't want to say who she is. You knew that it was from her- your ex. You said you eyed the package and after a while, you took it. You knew it was from her so you purposely left it on a bench. earlier that night she talked to you, she greeted you congratulations for a successful production. You ignored her.

I think I felt the hurt that she felt when you ignored her and did not take her gift for you. I understand the reason why you did it. It is to prevent her from thinking that there's still a chance but you could have at least did something to lessen the pain that she will feel because I know how it feels. It burns. I felt that you are somehow heartless because of that.

Hate me if you want. I know you hate women like her. Like me. The thing is, I see myself in her and I can't pretend I don't. We are both hopeless romantic. Right now, I think you see through me. That I am like her. That's why you ignore me sometimes and you don't talk to me like you used to. At least that's what I think. It crushes me. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't work properly.

And so, our friend asked what really happened between you two. You hesitated, but told us the story anyway. You stopped school for a year. You didn't say why you were alone for a year but I get it. And after that year without friends and social life, you met people. You become close to certain people in the organization, your org mom, org dad and her- your ex. You told us how you fell in love with her since she gave you special treatment and affection you haven't received in the past year, you started to think she was great. She pampered you like a king. (That's what I imagined) And you said she courted you. So you felt special back then.

I know you are her first as she said so in her posts but you think you were her second. I don't know what to believe and so I will just leave it there because it doesn't matter. I stalked you. Of course, I like you that's why I did that. I saw your pictures back then. You were happy. You and her. Dating. You and her and your family, her family. Everything was perfect. You also said that she is so diligent, she was willing to go to your house every time. Knowing that your house is very far from school. I think she was a perfect girlfriend in a way. But then.. 

But then you told us that you often fight. Mostly because of petty things. It may be a big deal for you but I think it is petty. You told a story. One example of a fight. You and your friends are having fun, drinking and all. You are with one girl. This girl is your ex's org daughter. She flirts with one of your friends that is taken. So after you told your ex to come over, you said that she should tell her daughter to behave and don't flirt with someone who has a girlfriend. Even if they all know she is drunk. What your ex did was she blamed your friend instead of her daughter. You got mad. I don't know, maybe? Then she stormed off because you proved a point. A very strong point against her. She knows you were right. After she stormed off, you continued having fun, you didn't check your phone for some time. and when you do check it, there are tons of messages that says: "Aren't you going after me? I am obviously pissed off." You were enraged. That was one of your big fights. You don't like those types of people. You like straight forward people.

She also easily gets jealous. In our organization, it is normal to be clingy. So when other girls come near you, she cries. I am proud to say that I am not like this. I don't cry. Maybe I cry, but I will not let you know and I will only cry if you go too far. But knowing you, she should've trusted you. I would've trusted you and brush it off. She gets jealous of one girl you cooked a meal with. You were mad because of this because it is obvious that you would cook with this girl because she as well knows how to cook. But she didn't understand that. She got jealous. She also got jealous of one time a girl sat on your lap. Yes. If I am not in the same organization as you, I would definitely flip. But no, It is understandable because as I have said earlier, in the organization, everybody is clingy. She cried every time. I understand. It is because she thinks that she can lose you anytime. Because she did the courting part. You didn't. I understand her perfectly. She lacks self- esteem.

With all of that piled up, you decided to break it up. I agree, it is a toxic relationship but if both you guys took being in a relationship seriously, it wouldn't have happened. You both decided to go into a relationship instantly. Maybe without thinking about it. I know I have no right to talk about you guys because I don't know the whole story. I know one side. And who am I to talk about this, I am an outsider. I only like you. What's that got to do with you?

You both didn't talk for months up to now actually, you blocked her in all of your social media accounts. I understand why you have to do that. She can be so... I can't think of a word but she posts a lot of things. Posts saying she got over you already but a few minutes later she says she misses you. That could be frustrating. I understand you in that part.

Now, back to real time, one of our friends said that she was living a fairy tale dream That she don't know how to handle relationships in real life. Well, that could be true but her past isn't considered. Did you ever asked yourself as to why is she acting like she did? Well, maybe not because you broke up with her in an instant. Without thinking that maybe you could fix her. Maybe you didn't love her deep enough to do that. That's the sad part. Love and being in a relationship doesn't mean that if you are tired, you would give up. You could slap me and say I don't know what I am talking about but did you ever consider staying? Because if you did love her enough, you would.

I realized why I am so heartbroken as I write this. It is because of you. What if. I am not thinking that it is possible but what if, I am to be in a relationship with you, and I am broken, you wouldn't fix me. Because maybe you would give up. And now I am thinking that maybe I am wrong about you. But that wouldn't change the fact that I still like you. Yes, I still do. But It hurts.

x

Blog Entry #4

I had a funny dream I just have to share it. I can't remember most of the dream but I think it is cute and funny.

There are about five or six people in the room. Three professors (they are old and cute. I think all of them are friends) and me and other two classmates (I think a guy and a girl). One professor asked a question. I don't remember what the question was but after asking the question, my guy classmate squishes something and it produces sound. A sound of trumpet like in the movie when the royals arrive at the palace. The professor was furious but the other two kept laughing. As a result all of us are laughing. Then suddenly there was a song number. The other professors was singing and I was given the squishy thing that produces trumpet sounds and I played it wholeheartedly. Hahahahaha. Then I don't know, suddenly, All becomes quiet. It is because I don't remember what happened after the song. Then we are all waiting to laugh but we can't because the professor was so mad. He asked a question. And as the holder of the squishy thing, I played it, then all bursts to laughter. The professor walked out of the room but we and the professors are still laughing. 😂😂😂

Those other two professors reminded me of the grandfather I never had. I am so happy.

x

Blog Entry #3

When you stare at me, it feels like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

x

Blog Entry #2

Funny how small things are part of bigger things. What if I did join the organization earlier. Would I still be in love with you? Well maybe not. Would you still be friends with me? Well, perhaps. Since you are everyone's friend. I think I would see you in a different light. Not as precious as the light you are in right now.

x

Blog Entry #1

I really like to celebrate my birthday. I swear. I wish someone would surprise me just like me and my friends would surprise a friend on her birthday. But the thing is, when I celebrate birthdays, I would remember why I hated it.

I personally don't like greeting and celebrating with someone on his or her birthday so that it won't hurt when nobody remembers mine. I don't remember yours, you don't remember mine.

But that is not the way it is.

If you are special to me, I would remember your birthday and I would make it a point to greet you at exactly 00:00 on the day itself. What is sad is that nobody has ever done that to me. Some people who are special to me don't know when is my birthday and worst. The reason why I hate birthdays: my parents don't remember it. As much as I want to celebrate it, those who I cared for doesn't care and I have no one to celebrate it with anyway.

So why bother celebrating my existence?

x